I just died.
We separated for me I had been over my emotional capacity at that point losing my grandmother just brought up every emotion if losing my grandfather Id repressed. I was crying out for a break I needed comfort more then ever I had no family and not 1 friend. I didn’t know how to communicate with him that I needed what Iv never had. I knew the wrong people our only similarities were the weed. I became an addict to the most high feeling absolutely nothing was a beautiful feeling I couldn’t ask for anything more I relished in feeling numb. Desperation for understanding was on my skin like sweat the smelled it Id thrown myself to the wolves. They feed on my longing to belong like no other Id discarded everything for this feeling if Im not numb the only thing I want to feel is WANTED. It was a need in my DNA I happened on my ex and he needed me as we separated fake or not I believed when he said he didn’t need me. He acted like I was a burden I didn’t understand, why he couldn’t pick up on my desperation as well. He interpreted it as me wanting someone else that Id left him to be with someone. I don’t know how he was the only man Id ever dated (seeing someone 4 times supervised for an hr in HS doesn’t count), the ONLY relationship Id ever had, the ONLY man to this day I’ve ever given my body to. How can you not see your that one and only man no part of me would allow anyone else to have me. Id fallen to that prey once Id went to someone to cry over something he had said to me he felt I was punishing him for moving on. I felt more unwanted by him then ever they comforted me they held me and talked to me without me asking a word what I wanted from sunny. He kissed me an led to wanting more an I cried I couldn’t do it I was afraid and ashamed. Ill never be that girl was I being that girl would he tell everyone it happened. How can I look at myself how could you lay there. I told sunny what more could I do I couldn’t hide it I can’t lie to him. I was told you should never tell a man the things you do they’ll never forgive YOU the way you do them. Didn’t matter this was no normal feeling I know we hadn’t had sex but the act alone was enough. What a naive girl *sigh* she was love. I had to let him me not revealing who it was just twisted it, it wasn’t aarron sunny we never slept together. The way I felt about myself I couldn’t look at him let alone let him be near me. I felt like shit why am I acting this way I want help I dont want this. Around the same time I fell on needing a place to stay I had moved out for sunny and couldn’t keep up there. He told me I couldn’t stay with him I couldn’t go home. So I ended up staying with a couple who’d eventually be my roommates later in life place on there couch. An moved the rest of my crap upstairs in my makeshift weed dealers house. Bad idea they used that shit to hold me hostage Id wanted out after 2 1/2 weeks. Everything went haywire suddenly the people I thought were friends were my biggest army of enemies. I seemed about that life but not when it was them. They knew every way to get to me Id been assaulted, jumped, scared with a gun, they stole from me. Stalked my family, then threatened his life I was more scared then ever. My mother lost her first son by a ex gf jealous boyfriend. They found my ex in our city and called me describing were he was an how they were going to carry it out. Id never pleaded more they used him against me. A was so jealous of my love for sunny I was that girl you’d want to go out with me and Id take you to his show. Id talk about him for hours everything was sunny has done that, sunnys good at this, We did that before. Didn’t matter everyone knew about him they used that. they threatened what Id loved most when threatening my life didn’t work. I was so scared to tell anyone what would they think of me they shame me they’d turn against me because of them. I did get back to were I was before and they fell away for the time. I needed to get better I couldn’t get caught in the haze from the weed anymore it kept me in that hurricane of shit. Id gotten so sick from the stress I was recommended for a inpatient program. It been so long since our split I thought Id come out in 5 weeks and be amazing he would love me. Id be ok I had no contact with anyone Id write to him on tumblr Id made a vision board to hang up he was the biggest piece. Getting out was nothing he shunned me for our distance and begun dating some girl. I was heartbroken Id felt like Id spent so much time looking at our similarities I could finally get him to see Id felt the same way he did in his time of depression….Were here now an he’s reached out but only to say its of no need to have ever felt anything for me emotionally. Sometimes I feel like if I don’t believe it it wont be true he has to still feel something Im still in love. The space Iv created in your heart no one can possibly fill. He claims they have if you feel that way then he never loved me before infatuation maybe but not love. He prides himself on his moving determination to not give me the approval an love I seek. He knows me so well sometimes so he knows exactly how to hurt me. He broke my heart so well he took every soulfull piece made it unrealistic shamed me. What Id worried he would do most he did well. Unexpected that the person Id loved invested my heart,mind,body.an soul in wouldnt givr me the time of day past.physical longing. Wouldnt give me the feeling of reciprocity is harder then hell. An I STILL loved him no less no mistake, pain,anger could take that. Except I think I seen him and his girl and it all feels like nothing short of hopeless. Iv been in love with the same man for 5 years I loved everything about him. I gave him everything and anything I knew how to give I changed in anyway to make him see I was enough. I loved every hairy-depressed-super weird-whiteboycaughtinthemiddle-wolf grinning-flipflopwearing-playertype-creeping ass-moodswinging- extreme asshole part of him even when I didn’t understand him at all. Id fed love into him at his lowest I seen a man worth more then anyone whod tryed to turn me away from him could tell me. He couldnt just do the same you see Im in the same space you were an you cant help me just judge me. The woman you claimed to love and want a furure with is struggling an you can only think shes selfish and typical a young ass cheater who wants to mess around. I just thought that unconditional unmoved love would be reciprocated…and he didn’t love me nearly at all. An It just killed me.